Preplanning for Heathens
Talking about death can be difficult for most people. Talking about death in a space where your identity or worldview is misunderstood—or assumed—can make it even harder. Those whose daily life experience includes discrimination, marginalization, stereotyping, and other challenges also experience these in deathcare pre-planning—and when dying or grieving the loss of a loved one.
Many people carry concerns about acceptance, fairness, and belonging throughout their lives. Deathcare conversations do not occur outside those experiences. They occur within them.
Everyone’s Religious, Secular, or Spiritual Identity (RSSI) can be an important part of their life and their death, influencing deathcare decisions and the experience of deathcare. Today we’re going to talk about those who sometimes lovingly refer to themselves as “heathens”—those not aligned with traditional monotheistic religions, such as Wiccans, Satanists, and Atheists, Humanists, and other secular identities.
While most people in the general population (69%) would prefer to make their own pre-arrangements, less than 25% actually do so (Funeral & Memorial Information Council). The disconnects between preference and action can be discomfort with the topic, the expense of pre-paying, or the belief that simply having a legal will is sufficient.
In the US, 36% of people identify as either non-Christian (7%) or religiously unaffiliated (29%). (Pew Religious Landscape Study). Unique deathcare challenges also affect the13.9 million adults in the US who identify as LGBTQ+ (The Williams Institute). In my 20+ years of work serving and advocating for diverse communities, i have heard from people about fears of how they will be treated, whether they will be given misleading or incomplete information, whether they will be charged more because of who they are, or not wanting to (or being able to) re-closet in order to receive fair and impartial treatment.
Imagine the emotional compounding of these concerns when discussing deathcare, either in pre-planning or in a crisis situation. For identity communities that face discrimination, marginalization, harassment, and other challenges in daily life, deathcare discussions can be especially daunting.
A Hidden Gap in End-of-Life Planning
While the role of a deathcare professional is to understand, honor, and assist people of every identity, the reality is that many individuals and provider companies lack identity education, cultural competency, or awareness of the unique concerns often faced by minority identity communities. Information about planning and funeral arrangements can often be presented through a majority religious lens by those who see their own religion as part of their professional “mission”.
When religious, often Christian-centric, verbiage and iconography permeate a space, it can send a message that other perspectives are not welcomed, understood, or honored in that space. To someone wondering whether they are safe to be open about their identity or whether they can be served in this place or with this person, a cross on the wall or bible in the hall can be an “unwelcome sign”. Casual religious language, assumptions about belief, or references to prayer can signal to some individuals that their own perspectives may not be fully understood or welcomed. It can signal someone to avoid the conversation altogether or to remain closeted if the discussion is necessary, such as when a death is imminent or has occurred.
Creating safe discussion space for diverse, minority RSSI perspectives is essential because people don’t leave their lived experiences at the door when they enter a deathcare conversation. Your deathcare professional may (or may not) have a basic understanding of your traditions; further, they may not ask about the nuances of your traditions and how you personally interpret and integrate those traditions and values into your own life and practice.
Some generalized examples of potential preferences:
- People who identify as Atheist, Humanist, or other Secular Identities may want their final arrangements to emphasize legacy, community, science, storytelling, or the impact they had on others rather than religious ritual. Others may want no ceremony at all, while some may desire highly personalized options and rituals that reflect values, nature, community, philosophy, or personal identity rather than organized religion.
- Wiccans and other pagan practitioners may want their passing acknowledged through nature-centered symbolism or seasonal cycles and a Wiccan funeral rite. Natural / green burial might be preferred over cremation or traditional burial.
- Members of modern Satanic traditions may emphasize personal autonomy, rational inquiry, and individual dignity in both life and death and choose options that emphasize giving back to the Earth.
Similar concerns about acceptance and understanding arise within LGBTQ+ communities. While LGBTQ+ identities are not RSSI identities, these identities intersect and both frequently express concerns about whether their wishes will be respected, whether chosen family will be recognized, and whether trusted individuals will be empowered to make decisions during a crisis. Any discussion about marginalized identities in deathcare must respect and include both RSSI and LGBTQ+ communities.
When these perspectives are absent from – or not welcomed in – planning conversations, many simply avoid the discussion altogether.
Todd’s Story: Why planning matters.
The consequences of not planning ahead can be deeply personal.
In the article Todd’s Story: a heartbreaking lesson in deathcare planning, a funeral service reveals how easily a person’s identity and values can be overshadowed when their wishes are not clearly documented. The story describes attending the funeral of a stranger and witnessing a painful reminder of how important it is for people to put their wishes in writing and ensure they are protected.
Moments like that highlight a simple truth: Everyone deserves to be authentically honored in deathcare. But not everyone is.
With an unplanned loss, decisions often default to those who may not fully understand the values the person lived by, their identity, and their religious, secular, or spiritual beliefs. Preplanning ensures that those values can remain at the center of how someone is remembered, in so far as the person planning wants them to be.
Why Identity-Affirming Planning Environments Matter
An intentional inclusive, affirming space is not about excluding anyone—it is about creating an opportunity where people can speak openly without needing to defend or explain their identity.
It means welcoming those who are under-voiced and underrepresented in deathcare, allowing participants to ask personal questions about final arrangements planning without facing judgement or assumptions.
We steward better planning outcomes when people are comfortable being open about their unique concerns and wishes. Improved disclosure reduces family conflict by allowing people to understand how – and by whom – final arrangements are actually handled after a death occurs.
It allows people to explore meaningful ways to mark a life that align with their personal philosophy, spiritual path, or secular values.
When people feel comfortable and respected, they are far more likely to plan ahead, document their wishes clearly, and relieve loved ones from making difficult decisions during a time of grief.
Safe spaces also encourage creativity. End-of-life planning becomes less about fitting into a template and more about thoughtfully reflecting the life that was lived and exploring the many unique options that are difficult to find or navigate when planning is done in a crisis.
Reclaiming Autonomy in Deathcare
At its core, preplanning is about autonomy.
Everyone deserves the ability to decide what happens to their body, how their life is remembered, and what kind of legacy they leave behind. For people outside mainstream religious traditions, that autonomy can be especially important.
Preplanning allows individuals to:
- Choose ceremonies or memorials that align with their worldview and values
- Avoid unwanted / unaligned religious language or rituals
- Ensure chosen family and supportive communities are included
- Explore environmentally conscious or nontraditional options
- Leave clear instructions that reduce confusion or conflict for loved ones
By documenting these decisions in advance, people ensure their voice is respected even when they are no longer able to speak for themselves.
A Different Kind of Deathcare Conversation
Preplanning for Heathens is not about rejecting tradition. It is about making room for more than one tradition. It is about honoring ALL perspectives, values, and traditions.
By creating a welcoming and judgment-free environment, this event recognizes that dignity in death should belong to everyone—regardless of religious perspective, secular philosophy, or spiritual path.
Because planning for death is ultimately about agency, compassion, and ensuring that the final chapter of our lives reflects who we truly are.
You’re Invited.
If you identify with any of these experiences—or if you simply want to explore your options in a space designed to welcome diverse perspectives—i invite you to join us for Preplanning for Heathens.
Together, we’ll discuss practical planning tools, identity-affirming resources, and ways to ensure your wishes can be understood, documented, and honored.
Workshop Registration
This free event will review alternative deathcare options (eco-friendly like natural burial and water cremation), important planning information (what needs to be planned, methods of planning), and provide resources and answers to your questions about final arrangements planning.
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