We Need to Talk About Trans Deathcare

“I don’t want to be erased when I die”.

That’s what someone said to me yesterday at Trans Day of Visibility in Orlando – a festival to amplify Trans voices, and rejoice in community, joy, and visibility.

Every person of every identity deserves to be authentically honored in deathcare, and deserves equal compassion from deathcare professionals.

But we know that is not always how things happen.

Not every professional is affirming or identity-educated. Some will get it wrong. Some will defer to family over your chosen family. Their own religion over your identity. Their own bias over your humanity. Their comfort over your dignity. Some will cause harm without intending to or realizing it.

Some affirming companies have non-affirming employees; some affirming employees work with non-affirming colleagues and corporate structures. How do you find a safe space where such spaces are hidden or rare?

Affirming deathcare isn’t a courtesy—it’s the difference between being honored and being erased.

There are many conversations about affirming healthcare, and not enough about affirming deathcare.

That’s why i show up.

At my TDOV yesterday i had many conversations with people at my table. Here are some of the things said to me:

“You’re doing important work.”

“Thank you for always being present in these spaces.”

“Everyone needs to think about this before something happens, but especially us. Especially us.”

“So glad to see Dignity represented here. You took care of my (recently lost loved one).”

“I don’t want to be erased when I die – like my fight, my pain, my wins, and my existence didn’t matter.”

“Keep doing this. Keep talking about this.”

It’s not political. Not abstract. Not noise. It’s real people with genuine concerns that few professionals are willing or able to address. It’s people asking for one thing: not to be erased.

It can always be difficult for people to talk about death – about losing someone we love, or about the people we love someday losing us. The Trans community is targeted with erasure and even violence – the fear isn’t abstract, it is based on lived experience. Facing such daily trauma, the thought of talking about deathcare can be a lot to carry, and just the act of starting the conversation can be exhausting.

But necessary. It is especially important that people of marginalized identities plan in advance for deathcare.

Planning ahead creates space to find an affirming provider to care for us and our loved ones; to ensure we can be honored the way we want to be remembered; and that all that we have fought for, lived for, hoped for, and become will not be ignored or erased by people who don’t like us.

Planning ahead creates opportunity for affirming care. It is how you stay in control—of your identity, your care, and how you’re remembered.

From people in the Trans community, concerns about deathcare i hear include:

Being Seen and Remembered

• Deadnaming in a eulogy or obituary, or on permanent memorialization.
• Identity or important relationships being left out of obituaries or services – or fear of including those relationships and the potential negative impact to others in the community.
• Speakers “correcting” or ignoring true identity.
• Photos that reflect their pre-transitioned life displayed without their consent.
• Online obituary pages or social media posts about the death misused as a place where people argue about or deny identity.

Control and Dignity of the Body

• Clothing, makeup, hairstyle, and other presentation that doesn’t reflect their true identity.
• How their body might be treated by non-affirming deathcare workers – commentary, body exposure, and disrespect in spaces reserved for respectful treatment of decedents.

Power and Decision Making

• Chosen family being left out of decision making and services.
• Imposition of rituals and perspectives that they don’t agree with – or that have harmed them – forced on them in death by loved ones and by deathcare professionals.
• Worry that the funeral or the death itself becomes a source of conflict or re-traumatization for loved ones and the community.

While planning ahead can help prevent — or at least mitigate, these realities — I’ve heard many people say they are unsure about pre-planning. Consulting with someone about deathcare planning is hard enough without fear of bias, ignorance, and hostility. They worry they will have the burden of educating about their identity, when they should only have to educate about how their identity informs their personal, authentic deathcare.

With a lack of visibly affirming providers, it can be difficult to know where to turn.

Deathcare often operates within faith-based frameworks—and those frameworks are sometimes used to justify harm toward trans individuals. Many providers and professionals say they ‘serve everyone.’ What they mean is they’ll take anyone’s money. That’s not the same as being prepared—or willing—to serve everyone with dignity.

Every day in my work, i hear the silence of deathcare professionals around the needs of these communities. I see gaps in service and i hear where silence causes harm.

You deserve to be remembered as you are. Authentically. Not corrected. Not rewritten. Not erased.

If you want to make sure of that, i’m here to have that conversation.

I show up intentionally where there are gaps in service and where silence causes harm. For the LGBTQ+ communities. For Trans people. For minority religious, secular, and spiritual identities.

I show up for YOU.

Resources:

• Equal Deathcare – equaldeathcare.org – aims to provide the tools and knowledge which ensures everyone is respected in death, no matter who we are or who we love.
• Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives – IADDResource.org – FREE workbook (download PDF) – a guide and reflection on how identity informs deathcare decisions and the experience of deathcare.
• The Center Orlando Transgender Services

Acknowledgements:

• The 2026 Trans Day of Visibility in Orlando was hosted by Come Out With Pride‘s Trans an Non-Binary Task Force and sponsored by Crew Health.
• I serve families through Dignity Memorial, a trusted national funeral, cremation, and cemetery provider with 15 locations here in Central Florida.
  • Dignity Memorial’s company page on planning LGBTQ+ celebrations of life: https://www.dignitymemorial.com/memorial-services/planning-a-celebration-of-life/lgbtq-planning-guide