Live Loudly. Exit Thoughtfully.

Live Loudly. Exit Thoughtfully. A secular deathcare discussion hosted by the American Humanist Association on September 18, 2025. Presenter: Tee Rogers. Special thanks to Jocelyn Williamson of the Central Florida Freethought Community and my friends Ian & Ryah for support and assistance during the presentation. Article below based on the presentation and written by Tee Rogers.

How do secular people experience life in America? How does that experience translate into the experience of death, dying, and deathcare? Can we have a secular death?

We will explore this in three parts: Inclusion in deathcare, deathcare planning, and ceremonies.

1. Inclusion in Deathcare

Every person of every identity deserves to be authentically honored in deathcare, whatever that means for them. Decisions about deathcare options are very personal and are informed by many different aspects of our lives. Identity is an important facet of life that informs our decisions about deathcare; it also impacts the experience of deathcare. Diverse identities experience deathcare in the same way they experience life – with the potential for being othered, bullied, discriminated against, and otherwise treated with less dignity than others.

When i talk about inclusion in deathcare, i focus on three categories: LGBTQ+, RSSI, and AHoSI people. These are the identities i have background or experience with.

• LGBTQ+ – all sexual, gender, and romantic minorities
• RSSI – Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities
• AHoSI – Atheist, Humanist, and other Secular Identities – our focus today

While “secular” is included in RSSI, I also talk about secular identity as a unique and distinct category: Atheists, Humanists, and other Secular Identities (AHoSI). This is because there is a different experience of the world for people who don’t have religious beliefs. Notice i didn’t say people who “lack” religious beliefs. Secular people don’t “lack” anything – they are not “deficient” in something. They simply have a worldview that empowers ethical human flourishing – just like everyone else.

The impact for secular people dealing with any compassion industry – which are often boldly faith-biased industries – is that at a time of need, when a person is most vulnerable and dependent on others, they can be seen as “lacking”, not as worthy, or less important than others who “believe in something”. The professionals (and even entire companies or care systems) who provide support in difficult times can create additional stress and anxiety through either very blatant or silent & subtle othering of secular people.

I won’t go into complex intersectionality here, but remember that many people are of multiple marginalized identities. This can create unique, compounded challenges and experiences in personal, professional, social, and familial life – and in health and deathcare.

This is why the American Humanist Association invited this conversation: this needs to be talked about more prominently and frequently.

It is an unfortunate fact that deathcare professionals do not often receive from their companies or individually seek opportunities for being identity-educated, and often don’t understand the secular journey. While grateful to be talking to you through the American Humanist Association about this topic, i sure would love to also be speaking with health and deathcare professionals.

Group conversations we had during the presentation:

• What are some of the identity related challenges that secular people might face in health and deathcare?
• What are some common sources of religious pressure?

By religious pressure, we mean, for example, people assuming that their religious views will be helpful or meaningful to others, people wanting to “save” others near death by pushing a religion on them, or intrusive religious language or iconography.

We talked about places, professions, and services that are part of what we think of when we say “deathcare”, such as death doulas, healthcare professionals, therapists, funeral homes, coroners, and many more. For our purposes of the presentation, we focused on four areas. We will examine these four key areas and outline strategies to mitigate some of the risk. You can find additional resources in the free-to-download Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives. There are many resources out there for recording end-of-life wishes; i wrote this one specifically to create space for reflection on how diverse identity impacts deathcare decisions and the experience of death and dying.

First: Hospitals & Hospice Care

This presentation was nation-wide, and many had shared experiences of major hospitals and healthcare facilities that are faith-biased. They might have a mission statement that incorporates an intent of indoctrination, Christian murals and bible quotes on the walls, or piped prayers over the intercom.

A topic that comes up often is hospital Chaplains. You know, when i speak with Chaplains, they all tell me they are educated to serve everyone and that they would never force religion on anyone. But when i talk to people who have experienced Chaplains in healthcare, i often hear stories of pushy, predatory chaplains, clergy, and even medical staff. One person told me that their loved one’s death was “ruined” by a hospital Chaplain who was asked to stay away but kept coming back.

Such experiences can be even more difficult for those who have experienced religious trauma in the past, re-traumatizing them at such a difficult time.

A proactive way you can address this is to make sure that your loved ones know your preferences, and that you have written down your wishes regarding faith in health and deathcare. Another thing you can do is decide in advance on providers that you feel comfortable with. While in some circumstances we may not have a choice, we can still make a plan that will provide guidance.

Second: Decedent Care

Similar to hospitals, hospice, and other healthcare, faith-biased companies and professionals can be a source of stress and trauma.

I was at a funeral once and there was someone sitting on a bench, crying. An employee of the funeral home went over to them with tissues and some water, and sat next to them. I was nearby and heard them try to comfort the person by telling them their loved one was now a “beautiful angel”, and the deceased was now “sitting on the shoulder” of the person and would “always be with them”. Some of you reading this are thinking “so what?”. Others are outraged and wonder how they would have reacted if they had been on that bench.

When meeting with many funeral homes and cemeteries, the person we interact with often assumes the person they’re speaking with is religious – specifically, shares THEIR religion, and uses bless & prey language when speaking, may talk about how the grounds of the public cemetery are blessed, or point out religious features of the facility such as statues or murals, assuming they will be meaningful in a positive way to everyone.

To non-religious people – or to people of minority faiths not projected by the faith bias of the person or place, such things can feel like unwelcome signs.

We can’t prevent this from happening, but we can clearly indicate our wishes.

I’ve had multiple people share concerns with me that their body will be “blessed” in a religious tradition that is not theirs. It is mostly from religious people – they don’t want a blessing in another religion because it is strictly against their beliefs, and they may be concerned that it will alter their experience after death. This can be a great source of stress. For secular people, some will say they don’t care – others care VERY much.

Third: Ceremonies

We’ll talk about ceremonies in more detail in the last section; here, we’re focusing on how the secular experience of ceremonies can be impacted by exclusion.

So many people have told me their loved one’s service was disrespectfully religious even when they had asked for a secular service. Sometimes it seems that bless and prey language, bible references, and other religious tools of comfort creep in when religious clergy is delivering a secular service.

Many funeral professionals have friends or “go-to” clergy they recommend to every family. They may not know about Celebrants or even how to find one – if they are even available in that area. The clergy they recommend may say that they can officiate a secular ceremony – and some can. Some funeral homes may offer an internal Celebrant or one that they contract with in the community; you can ask about their credentials, and you can seek your own Celebrant – you don’t need to use theirs.

A Celebrant is more than an officiant who reads a script. Some clergy or officiants have a funeral script that they use for every service; a Celebrant works in collaboration with the family to compose a unique, personalized ceremony. They may write or assist in writing the Eulogy and assist in choreographing ceremony elements such as times for loved ones to share personal reflections, musical interludes or performances, rituals such as laying of flowers on the casket or creating a Comfort Capsule for the surviving spouse to open on the next holiday. A trained funeral celebrant is experienced in walking with people in a time of grief and personalizing a ceremony experience to authentically honor the loved one.

Just for your reference, there are different kinds of Celebrants you can look for.

Humanist Celebrants – this is a non-religious clergy ordination. Humanist celebrants conduct humanist, nonreligious, and interreligious weddings, commitment/same-sex unions, memorials, baby namings, and other life cycle ceremonies. Celebrants are generally recognized in all states and many countries, being accorded the same rights and privileges granted by law to priests, ministers, and rabbis of traditional theistic religions. Humanist Celebrants are going to be more commonly recognized by Humanists, Atheists, and other Secular Identities, as the certification is through The Humanist Society, an arm of The American Humanist Association. Learn more at The Humanist Society

InSight Certified Funeral Celebrant – An InSight Certified Celebrant is a person who has been trained and certified through InSight to meet the needs of families during their time of loss. A Funeral Celebrant serves by providing a funeral service, memorial service or tribute that is personalized and individualized to reflect the personality and life-style of the deceased after consultation with the family and loved ones and coordination with the funeral home. This includes honoring secular identity. InSight Celebrancy is going to be more commonly recognized in the funeral industry, as InSight trainings are held and promoted by NFDA and ICCFA. Learn more at InSight

Additional recognized and secular-inclusive certifications may include Life Cycle Celebrant certification, Academy of Modern Celebrancy, and others. Humanist Celebrant certification is the only training that will ensure there are no faith-biased certified professionals, so if a secular service is important to you and your loved ones, this is a good starting point. You can also make sure you ask good questions of any person who will serve as a Celebrant for your service.

Things you can do in advance to ensure an inclusive ceremony for your loved ones include

• look up Celebrants in your area, and make note of who you would like to serve you and your loved ones if a death were to occur
• write your own ceremony, or hire a Celebrant to write it now. You can write your obituary and eulogy in advance – which i highly recommend – people often tell me that writing these after someone has just passed is one of the hardest parts. But you can do more than that – you can select readings and music and even write the entire ceremony. Or, you can hire a Celebrant to do this planning with you while you are still here. You can then update it as your life journey continues.

Some people are turning to WISH ceremonies (While I’m Still Here) – a living funeral. I had a client planning her 90th birthday and she told me it was her “funeral replacement”. She didn’t’ want her whole family getting together after she died – she wanted to see them, talk to them, share with them how much she loves them.

Fourth: Grief Care

Just like the other stops in the deathcare journey, religious assumption, lack of education about secular identity and religious trauma, availability of affirming providers, and other factors impact the secular experience of death and dying. Some “professionals” may even see their work as part of their religious ministry.

Preparing may mean being aware of secular-affirming providers and resources in your area and national resources such as the Secular Therapy Project, Grief Beyond Belief, and Recovering from Religion. Recovering From Religion hosts a hotline, 84-I-Doubt-It (844-368-2848)

It’s important to mention here that grief care is not just professionals we seek such as therapists and support groups. It is also the people around us – family, friends, and co-workers who may use religious language that comforts them, assuming it will comfort others.

For some, receiving that may feel okay – just receiving that love. For others, it can be extremely isolating and difficult, especially if it is all around us. We can focus on the underlying intent rather than the religious language – but that can take some pre-work, preparing ourselves to listen with that intention.

Personally, when others are using religious language in comfort with me, i do try to focus on the well that they mean rather than the harm that they do. At that moment, they are just trying to make a human connection and extend care. As an activist, though, i’m aware on another level of how much trauma people experience from religion and how at a time of grief and chaos following the loss of a loved one we are at our most vulnerable. Even well-meaning, unwittingly assuming faith-bias can be damaging and painful, fostering isolation rather than connection.

2. Deathcare Planning

That first section on inclusion in deathcare for secular people was our foundation, so that as we talk about the mechanics and options of planning in this section, and Humanist ceremonies in the next, we are looking at deathcare through that lens.

I was asked to do this talk for the American Humanist Association because of my background as a Celebrant (Humanist Celebrant and Insight Certified Funeral Celebrant) and background in activism for LGBTQ+ and Atheist & minority religious identity inclusion; for this topic, those experiences support my current career in deathcare planning, serving here in Central Florida through the most respected funeral provider in North America, Dignity Memorial.

As a pre-planning professional, i help people make a plan in advance for final arrangements – funeral, cremation, and cemetery – so hat their loved ones are not left making heavy emotional and financial decisions at such a difficult time.

First, it’s important that everyone knows what to do when a death occurs. You have enough stress dealing with the loss. The first call in most cases is 9-1-1. If the person is under Hospice care or in a care facility such as a hospital or rehab center, the medical professionals there can make the pronouncement and call the funeral home.

Now, i say “funeral home”, but that is not always the chosen process, and there are choices.

For this presentation we had a national audience; home care of decedents is legal in all states, and a funeral home doesn’t always need to be involved. For example, some crematories or direct cremation providers will pick up a body under certain circumstances. Note that in some states there are specific regulations regarding the transportation and handling of bodies, and some require the involvement of a licensed funeral director for certain aspects of decedent care. If alternatives to traditional funeral homes interest you, research the laws, requirements, and options in your state and your area. Also, make sure you understand what will be needed in the process of care, and what to expect so that you are prepared.

What is pre-planning?

Imagine you are going to get a car in the future. It’s just part of your timeline & journey, but you won’t be there to deal with it. You have three choices:

• One: you can leave it to them to make all of the decisions, deal with the salespeople guess at what you would want, pick out all of the options, and pay for the car with their own money.
• Two: you can provide the money and when the time comes the person can go to the dealership, deal with the salespeople, guess at what you would want, pick out all of the options, and pay for the car using the funds you set aside for this.
• Three: you can make all the choices yourself, pay for it yourself (at today’s prices), and all they will have to do is sign for it.

There are three windows of opportunity for making final arrangements.

The first is in true pre-need: proactive planning when no death is expected or anticipated. We’re just making the plan in advance so that when the unexpected occurs – an accident, a diagnosis – this is one thing our loved ones don’t have to think about.

I recently met someone who shared that when she was 18 her parents pre-planned. They took her to see the plots and shared with her their wishes and the plan they had made. She thought they were CRAZY for talking about death. She didn’t understand … until many years later when her mom got sick. When they received the diagnosis, it clicked: this is why. Of all the stresses and concerns they had, this was one that they didn’t need to worry about – it was taken care of. She was in my office to pre-plan because her daughter had turned 18, and she wanted to give that same gift, no mater how soon or how far into the future it might happen.

The second window for planning is one not everyone gets, but sometimes during a hospice stay or after a diagnosis when there is no plan in place, the person or their family decide to get a plan made either while they can still discuss it together or just to have it completed before the death occurs.

I recently helped siblings whose mother was ill. They thought mom would recover and she actually was doing very well and planning to return home from the rehab center, but the family wanted to take care of things because with seeing her fall ill, they had realized how hard it would be if they waited until mom died. Unfortunately, mom unexpectedly took a turn for the worse and passed away. They thanked me after, saying they were so glad that they had met to discuss planning before it happened, because it was so hard for them when the time actually came – especially because they thought things were going the other way and that they could look forward to more years with her.

That last window – at-need planning – is where a plan was not done in advance and a death has occurred: loved ones have to shop for providers and make urgent, final decisions with the funeral director or crematory the day they’ve lost a piece of themselves.

My role as a pre-planner is to get as many people through that first window as i can so that fewer people walk through loss and have to experience the second or third window.

Decisions.

Now, we have multiple decisions to make together. The first is what happens with your remains: remains as body or remains as ashes? After that, we’ll talk about services and final resting place.

Some assume financial is the primary driver, but there are many factors that determine our deathcare choices. If we decided to go out to dinner tonight, how would we decide where to go? If we always chose just the cheapest thing the only thing available would be the Wendy’s $5 biggie bag – nothing else would stay in business.

There are eight considerations that guide critical deathcare decisions.

• Availability of options. If you are interested in composting, but don’t live in one of the states where that is available, this might not be a logistically great choice. Or, if you have the means and a pre-planning professional with the knowledge to help you, you might decide to plan the travel to a place that does allow this technology.
• Ecological. While 61.8% of Americans chose cremation in 2024 (CANA Data), there are many people who originally chose combustion cremation as a less ecologically detrimental choice than traditional burial. With the growth and increased awareness of alternatives like water cremation, natural burial, tree pod whole body burial, and composting, i personally anticipate that some of those choices will begin to shift. For others, it is what is done with the ashes after a cremation; there are options like Neptune Memorial Reef and Living Urns for tree planting and other ways that cremated remains re-incorporate into and give back to the natural ecosystem.
• Emotional. People have shared with me that they choose cremation because they’re claustrophobic and can’t stand the thought of burial. Or they don’t like the thought of combustion cremation because they fear it will be a portal to Hell.
• Family Traditions. Some want to simply do what others family members have done because it is familiar to them, and may be what best comforts their family. It’s familiar.
• Financial. This is not just about dollars, it’s about value. We might be able to purchase the same widget at two different stores, but may choose the one that charges more for that item because of the service, experience, lighting, décor, the way they give back to the community, or whatever means value to us.
• Practical. As an example, many clients have told me that they chose cremation because it would just be easier for for their family to honor their desire for burial in another country, burial at sea, or other wishes.
• Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identity Considerations. I had an Atheist client in his 90’s who chose to have their body present for a service before the cremation. Although the service was to be secular, the process of viewing-service-cremation-burial was familiar for his family’s Catholic traditions and he wanted to provide that comfort to them.
• Values. Planning for final arrangements that reflect the values with which you lived your life is meaningful to many people. Between doing the AHA presentation and getting all this written out for you i met with a client who told me she wanted her family and friends to feel her presence and see her personality reflected in how she “went out”. She was even recording a humorous video to be played at the ceremony. I had a client years ago who loved, loved, loved his Harley Davidson community. He had gotten a diagnosis and was planning in that second window we talked about. He said he didn’t just want “in lieu of flowers donate to…” – he planned a full-out charity motorcycle ride that left from his celebration of life for his group to raise money for a charity he loved.

The planning process.

1. Research and make decisions: disposition, services, etc. Decide on providers – who will you trust to take you into care and serve your loved ones in their time of grief?
2. Make your plan: written wishes and funded plan. Make an appointment with your pre-planning advisor if you’re funding with a funeral home and bring a list of questions that you want answered. You can find examples on page 11 of Tee’s Planning Resources.
3. Sharing & Maintenance: Make sure your loved ones know about your plan and where to find documents. Mark your calendar to update your plan at least every five years, making sure that you and your provider(s) have current, meaningful information.

Two Sides of Planning (possibly 2 or more contracts)

Generally, there will be two separate categories of planning and contracts, even you use a company that will take care of both the (1) decedent care/funeral/cremation and (2) cemetery/final resting place. Decedent care will include picking up and care of the body; permitting and professional fees; cremation, embalming, or other care; caskets, urns, or other merchandise; and any gatherings or remembrance services. The FRP (Final Resting Place) side might include property (interment rights); preparation of property and professional fees; vault; memorialization (headstone, nameplate, etc.); or other services such as a boat charter for scattering at sea.

Funding Final Arrangements

Part of planning in advance is taking care of the financial burden so that no one has to worry about that when the time comes. Remember earlier when we talked about pre-planning being like purchasing a car for the future? Funding takes the money part off of your loved one’s shoulders.

You can either choose to fund through insurance (or a savings account of some kind) or to pre-pay. There are considerations for each and you need to decide what works best for you. Personally, i work in the sphere of helping families pre-plan with the funeral home because it is the simplest and cleanest way to not only take care of the financial part, but also to make all the choices ourselves. It mitigates potential for emotional over-spending, manipulation by funeral salespeople, and the second-guessing and unknown answers to all the questions that come up.

Did you know? GoFundMe has publicly stated that it hosts more than 125,000 memorial fundraisers each year. While final expenses can range from thousands to tens of thousands of dollars, the average raised in a GoFundMe for final expenses is about $2,640. Few crowdfunding campaigns for final arrangements successfully meet their goal and families are often left having to make hard decisions about sacrificing wishes, splitting costs among multiple credit cards, or finding other creative ways to cover costs. A 2022 article in Funeral Director Daily takes the GoFundMe stats above and stats on death numbers in the United States and finds that 1 of every 25 families uses crowdfunding for funeral expenses.

Considering that LGBTQ+ people experience economic hardship at higher rates (2024 Federal Reserve Report) and may have more complicated familial relationship challenges when a death occurs, this is particularly important in the discussion today. For information on household incomes for religious minority and secular individuals, visit the Pew Research Center report.

If i could get every person to pre-plan in their 20’s, locking in the rates with pay-over-time options and the ability to make changes later as their life journey evolves, no one would ever walk through funeral home doors without a plan. Let’s turn back to the issue of emotional stress.

One of my early cases was going to a hospital to meet with a young mom & dad who were taking their five year old off of life support. They had no experience with deathcare and were terrified, among all the other knives in their hearts, about the logistics and mechanics of what needed to be done, decisions that needed to be made, where their daughter’s body would be taken, and what would happen when they were no longer able to be by her side holding her hand. We were able to talk through those things. It later occurred to me that if they had come in ten years ago and done their own planning – just had the conversation with a provider – that knowledge would have protected them from just one piece of horror they were experiencing. And that piece would have mattered.

How many adults consider planning final arrangements? There are different stats out there. The Funeral & Memorial Information Council (FAMIC) found that 69% of American adults said they would prefer to plan their own pre-arrangements, but only 17% actually did; they also found that 89% felt a discussion about end-of-life wishes would be meaningful. A National Funeral Director’s Association (NFDA) study found that only 26.4% of Americans aged 40 and older have preplanned and prepaid for their final arrangements.

Sheesh, i have a lot of work to do. Now, these stats on people who have planned – at least i assume from my experience as a pre-planning professional – will skew higher for two groups:

(1) Those who are approaching retirement and making estate & financial plans will often also take care of final arrangements at that time and

(2) those who have lost someone and experienced being responsible for planning when there were plans in place (and they see the value) or there were not plans in place (and they don’t want their family to go through the same thing).

Okay, now let’s talk about specifics. You can choose remains as ashes (cremation) or remains as body (burial/entombment). There are some nuances – like remains as soil (Natural Organic Reduction) – but we’ll get into those.

Cremation: Remains as ashes.

Combustion cremation is the most common process for cremated remains, but you may live in a place where you have access to water cremation (also known as Alkaline Hydrolysis, resomation, biocremation, flameless cremation, or aquamation). You can visit Earth Funeral’s tracker to see what states might offer this option.

Service options are the same as for traditional burial – no service, viewing , service with or without casket present, graveside, repass, any combination of these.

Final Resting Place options are MANY. You have the same options as with traditional burial – you can be in a traditional space or mausoleum, either public or private. You also have cremation estates, niches (columbaria) and glass-front niche buildings, cremation benches & pedestals, cremation monuments, ossuary, scattering gardens, and more. There are many options for ocean-lovers such as reef options (Neptune Memorial Reef or other reef projects), ocean burial urns, scattering. There are cremation memorial space flights, scattering as permitted on public or private land, tree planting, fireworks, hourglass, home burial, etc.

Pro-tip: if you and your loved ones are comfortable with separating (splitting) the ashes, you can choose multiple Final Resting Place options for cremation. You might also choose to have some of your cremated remains placed in keepsake urns and jewelry, diamonds, pottery, cremation glass, art, sculptures, tattoos, stones, resin art/jewelry, holiday ornament, and other options.

I hear this a lot: I don’t need a final resting place for cremation. Well, i’ve walked into family’s homes where there is a mantle full of urns. You pass them to one person who may receive multiple urns. Another person down the line inherits multiple urns from multiple people. Eventually, your urn can become an unwelcome generational gift. If choosing cemetery options you provide a permanent place for reflection and connection that marks your presence on this Earth; however, even when choosing scattering or other unmarked options you alleviate the burden of custody from future generations.

Burial: Remains as Body

Remains as body includes “traditional” casketed burial (embalming + casket + vault) or alternatives such as natural or green burial.

According to the NFDA Consumer Awareness and Preferences Survey, 68% of Americans are interested in green or alternative deathcare options.

Natural burial can be done in any cemetery by making ecologically driven choices. These may include not using embalming (which is not required by law in any state, but may be required under certain circumstances) or by requesting embalming alternatives. Casket choices may be for a more natural or biodegradable option such as a natural pine or untreated wood casket or bamboo or other natural casket. Natural burial may be with or without a vault. If the cemetery requires a vault (this protects the integrity of the ground), you may be able to request a bottomless or percolating burial vault (has drainage holes that allow contact with earth and groundwater).

Green burial is a more serious undertaking & commitment to ecological impact where the entire cemetery meets the standards for hybrid, natural, and conservation cemeteries. You may look for a certified cemetery through the Green Burial Council. Green burial offers minimal environmental impact and enhances restoration and conservation of natural resources.

Composting, also known as Natural Organic Reduction or soilmation, is an option where the body is reduced to soil and the soil is returned to the family & can be used in a garden or returned to nature. I acknowledge that some people think of this this under cremation rather than burial.

If you’re interested in eco-friendly & natural deathcare options, visit my Final Footprint slide deck (initially prepared for the 2025 Central Florida Earth Day Festival & the Vegetarians of Central Florida).

Your deathcare choices are very personal, and it’s important to me that you know what options are available to you. Fortunately, information is easily accessible to all of us. In the funeral and cemetery industry, you may find providers and professionals who are either not familiar with current deathcare technologies & options or are not willing to share that information with you. Some companies might encourage their employees to only talk about what’s available on their own price list; some professionals don’t invest the time and energy to be educated about things not offered within their company, so they might not be familiar with where green burial is available or how to connect with a local network of Humanist Celebrants. I once spoke with a seasoned senior funeral director with 30+ years of experience who had no idea how living urns work or how to prepare one for a family.

Closing on Pre-Planning & Deathcare Options

The Most Difficult Part…

People have shared with me over the years their “most difficult part” of at-need planning that could be done in advance. What is most difficult for you is very personal and may depend on the circumstances and the person who dies – but being proactive and prepared for each of these will be helpful to someone.

• Writing the obituary and/or eulogy – and which photo(s) to use or exclude
• Selecting trusted providers (funeral home, cemetery, crematory, celebrant, etc.)
• Making final disposition decisions like remains as ashes or remains as body – and casket or urn selection
• Deciding on remembrance gathering(s) types and locations, what the decedent will be wearing for a viewing, music/readings, what to be printed on the funeral card or in the program
• Final resting place choice and design of permanent memorialization
• Funding / financial decisions

Finding Inclusive Providers & Professionals

Many people of diverse identities have told me that it is very important to them to find professionals and providers who understand the challenges they face. Some providers and professionals will say they “take anyone’s money” as if that means they are inclusive. It DOESN’T. If it is meaningful for you, you deserve informed, identity-educated professionals providing equal compassion and ensuring every person can be authentically honored.

Some ways to screen providers include visiting the facility, interacting with professionals, reviewing their website & social media, and asking good questions. For example, you might ask “What training does your company provide for serving (your identity)” or “Can you recommend local grief support and other relevant referrals for (your identity)”.

You can also check with your local identity organizations for members (such as your Pride Chamber) or call and ask for recommendations. You can find secular communities in your area through various resources and organizations such as American Humanist Association | American Atheists | Black Nonbelievers | Center for Inquiry | Society for Humanistic Judaism | Military Association of Atheists and Freethinkers | Recovering from Religion | and more…

I remember speaking with a lesbian widow. She shared that she had been turned away from the grief support group her funeral director had recommended because it was a faith-biased group and the peer leader didn’t feel she would be a “good fit”. She had gone back to the funeral director and asked if there were other resources and was told there were not. She said, through tears, that she felt completely alone. When in fact i was able to give her a list of resources and affirming grief support groups available to her in the area. The client’s identity challenge was so unimportant to that funeral director that they couldn’t take a few minutes to do a google search or make a couple calls. I bet that funeral director and their company, if asked, would have said they are inclusive because they “take anyone’s money.”

Consumer Rights and Things to Know

Before you speak with professionals in the funeral industry, you should have a foundational understanding of what your rights are. The funeral and cemetery industry is regulated primarily by state, but the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) has a guiding Funeral Rule that provides protections and helps consumers make informed decisions.

• Consumers have the right to receive price information over the phone and via an itemized price list in person. You should be given a casket and outer burial price lists before being presented with options.
• You can purchase only the items you want. You don’t have to use pre-made “packages” and you can use outside merchandise (caskets, urns, stationery, etc.) without any fees.
• You don’t have to use a casket for cremation, and should be offered an “alternative container” to protect the body while in care.
• Embalming is not required by law in any state as a routine process; however, there may be circumstances chosen by the family that do require embalming.

Additional good things to know include that your funeral, cremation, and cemetery professionals are often paid by commission and/or receive bonuses based on sales. Most people are in this profession because they care about people and consider walking with families through planning, no matter which window of planning we’re in, is an honor and a privilege. But you should have your eyes open, and before you make a commitment (sign):

• Don’t sign anything you feel pressured to sign.
• Make sure you understand everything that you are purchasing and that it is clearly described on the agreement or contract.
• In pre-planning, make sure you understand any interest or cost of insurance, payment terms, early payoff options, additional fees, etc. You should ask to look at the breakdown in writing before signing and before paying, and understand which prices are “locked in” at today’s rate and which items may be cash advance. Ask about costs that may come up at the time that are not covered in the agreement. Also, who has access to your records: who can make changes on your behalf while you are alive and after you die?
• What is the process for your pre-arrangements if you want to change your selections or cancel the agreement in the future? What happens to your investment if that funeral home goes out of business? Is your contract irrevocable? why or why not? It may have to be if, for example, you are applying for Medicaid and using the Funeral Allowable Expense spend-down option. Ask until you understand – it’s our job as funeral professionals to ensure there will be no surprises.

Do you need a Deathcare Surrogate?

Your healthcare surrogate makes healthcare decisions for you if you are incapacitated. That power ends at the time of your death, as does Power of Attorney. The person who handles your arrangements is generally the next of kin (tier 1 is spouse, next is children or parents, next is siblings, and so on).

Not everyone wants their next of kin to make decisions on their behalf after they have died. I can’t tell you how many times i hear people asking how they can get around that and make sure that someone who actually loves them and/or will honor their wishes will be the one making final arrangements.

Each state is going to have specific requirements, and while there is a Deathcare Surrogate form in the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives, you really need to consult with a lawyer to make sure that the person you’re granting power to will actually be recognized by the funeral director and authorized to handle things when the time comes. What can happen? Read about Todd Hansen, who passed away unexpectedly and whose next of kin despised his identity. Other family members and Todd’s friend group are still raising money for an attorney and working to regain custody of his cremated remains for an honorable burial.

Do you know who will have the authority to make YOUR final arrangements?

Make a plan.

When you plan in advance and make sure that everything is in order, you create an island of peace in the storm that your loved ones will face. In the midst of a crisis is the worst time to be making heavy emotional, logistical, and financial decisions.

3. Ceremonies

The final part of our discussion here is about ceremonies.

I hear people all the time say they don’t want any “ceremony’ or “funeral” after they die. Some people have been to a funeral in the past and they didn’t like what they experienced there; they know that they wouldn’t want something “like that”. The reality is, though, that loved ones gather after a death – no matter what we call that gathering or what it looks like – to honor the person who is no longer there and to support one another.

What is most important to Humanists in a remembrance ceremony?

Back in my Evangelical Atheist days (we all have a faith journey, right?) i might have wanted an Atheist proselytization ceremony similar to what some religious traditions do. Many Humanists tell me they are interested in a ceremony that is a personal tribute to their loved one with an emphasis on highlighting the person’s connections to others and impact on the world. Some include meaningful music and readings or may want to have the ceremony at a place that is meaningful for the decedent.

There is no “ceremony law” that dictates what a funeral should be like, what it should be called, where it should be, or what should happen there.

One of the greatest challenges i hear is something i hear – from all people of all Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities – is crafting a ceremony that is meaningful and comforting in an increasingly pluralistic and diverse network of loved ones. When Catholics, Atheists, Muslims, Satanists, and a multitude of other identities come together to honor a life – what does such a ceremony look like? A secular ceremony can be inclusive for everyone, focusing on the life lived. If done right, the audience barely if at all notices that the Celebrant didn’t use any religious language at all.

Types of Services

I don’t want to get too relativistic with language and start a semantics war, but people use the terms for remembrance services with their own understanding of what they mean. So here is a general guide for what these terms refer to. Remember that while these are listed in a potential flow, you can mix and match, change the order … well, we can’t have an open casket after the burial, but you get the idea.

• Viewing / Visitation / Calling Hours / Wake
  • This may be public or private, or there can be a couple of these held (maybe one public, one private for some family members, and another private one for the other family members that don’t get along with the first set of family members). I spoke to someone recently who shared after a friend had died the family held one viewing for the conservative members of the family, and another where the transgender woman was dressed in her preferred & performance clothing.
  • A viewing will generally mean the casket is open and a visitation will generally mean the casket is closed or there is no casket present (may be an urn or a photo).
• There are generally no speakers, readings, flowers, funeral attendants, decorations, etc. for a viewing. This is more quiet reflection time. However, Catholics may say a rosary during this time.

• Religious (or Humanist) service / mass
  • May be at a place of worship, funeral home, or other location
  • Usually includes perspective-specific language, readings, and rituals
  • For a Humanist service this would be generally officiated by Humanist clergy and might include a sermon related to the Ten Commitments of Humanism or the Humanism and Its Aspirations: Humanist Manifesto III. The Eulogy may reflect on how the decedent lived the values of Humanism.

• Funeral, Celebration of Life, or Memorial
  • This also may be at a place of congregation, a funeral home, or some other location.
  • A funeral or celebration of life may or may not have a casket or urn present. A Memorial in general is a service with only an urn or a photo present.

• Final Resting Place Ceremony
  • This may be a graveside ceremony for burial or cremation, or may be a scattering or tree-planting ceremony. It could also be body or cremated remains burial at sea ceremony on a boat. Wherever we are permanently committing the decedent’s remains.
  • Once at a tree planting ceremony were i had the honor of serving as Celebrant the family asked for a reading of “Freddie the Leaf” – if you haven’t read that yet you i recommend looking it up :).

• Repast (or Repass) / Funeral Reception
  • Repast (i’ve seen it as Repass, but Repast is the correct term) or Funeral Reception is a meal shared after a funeral or memorial service. Food brings us together, is a source of comfort, encourages sharing memories in an informal, communal space.

Remember that for cremation you have the same options as for casketed burial; the cremation can occur after services happen. In addition, there may be an option to hold a small viewing for just immediate family or even for witnessing the cremation at the crematory. Some people see this as replacing the tradition of watching the casket being lowered as a moment of closure.

Remembrance Ceremony Vendors

Remembrance ceremonies are one of the few times that people travel to be together, so it’s no wonder that we often plan to make the event the best that it can be. There are often many vendors that play a part, including:

Funeral home / crematory; event planner; venue; caterer; florist; musician/soloist; urn / casket artist; décor (linens, journey table, flower placement, etc.); Celebrant/Officiant/Clergy/Eulogist; Invocator; live cast service; transportation (limousine, etc.), photo booth or legacy photographer; local poet to create on-the-spot personalized memory cards, food truck, blood drive, local artist display, mixologist, cemetery, vault, monument company, monument designer, butterfly release; etc.

There are many unique things that can be done with a memorial service.

• Service project or needs drive, or host a charity fundraiser
• Therapy dog, bunny, or other comfort animal to greet guests
• Have everyone write one word that describes the decedent as they enter, then do a reading of the words during the service
• Giveaways or keepsakes
• Vendor tables, such as a local Donate Life representative if the decedent was an organ donor
• a meaningful guest appearance, like a drag queen or other local celebrity to deliver the eulogy, or the decedent’s favorite local band or musician to perform their favorite song
• decorate a journey table – similar to a Journey table at a wedding (where the lives of each spouse is represented starting at opposite ends of the table and meet in the middle with a photo of them together), decorating a table with memorabilia and representations of items the person loved.
• Create a compassion capsule for the surviving spouse or partner to read at the next holiday
• Conduct a memorial activity like a bike ride, hike, or kayak trip at the decedent’s favorite place.

Veterans

Thank you for your service.

I hear this statistic all the time: 60% of Veterans don’t know what their burial benefits cover. I don’t know where that stat comes from – i can’t find that study anywhere. But from my experience working with Veterans, i believe that number is very low. Most Veterans’ don’t know about what is covered – and what is NOT covered – or how to navigate those benefits. Worse – their loved ones don’t know and are left trying to figure it out when a death occurs.

Find out if you are a qualified Veteran:

• Eligibility Information
• Eligibility Information – Arlington National Cemetery
• If unsure: VA Form 40-10007: Online | Print

Qualified Veterans will be eligible for burial for themselves and their spouse at a national cemetery. This will include all cemetery costs and a graveside (or pavilion) service. If the Veteran chooses a private cemetery, only the marker or medallion are covered – only for the veteran (not the spouse). The Veteran will also receive military honors at their service, U.S. Flag and presentation of colors, presidential certificate in honor of their service, and the family can apply for possible re-imbursement of some of the out-of-pocket costs, with maximum amount varying depending on disability status and other factors.

What is NOT covered is the cost of anything not at the cemetery – the costs of care of the decedent, casket or urn, transportation costs, and any Remembrance Services. With the average cost of a funeral being $8,000 – $15,000 depending on where you live and what type of services you’ll have, that bill can be a terrible surprise for a Veteran’s family.

Humanist Veteran Considerations

Veterans are often assumed to be Christian. I coordinated an event once where a Veterans’ Administration professional was our key speaker. The speaker was extremely inclusive and never made a faith-biased reference, honoring all veterans and answering questions about minority faiths and secular Veterans. However, someone other than me was in charge of the decorating. When i arrived at the venue, there were God references EVERYWHERE in the décor, including bible verse plaques on each table in the centerpieces. One of the company’s leadership team got up at the end and thanked me for coordinating the event and i was devastated that they publicly humiliated me by associating my name with their assumptive hate and exclusion. I was also angry at myself that i hadn’t spoken up in advance to educate the decorator – it’s not like i don’t know this problem exists, right?

All people, from all of the diverse public, can serve in the military – and that includes people of minority religions and Atheists, Humanists, and other Secular Identities. According to the Military Association of Atheists and Freethinkers (MAAF) data, the largest individual preference in their study was “No Religious Preference” (23%) and of the 88 religious preferences listed, Atheist was ranked at 18.

For Secular veterans, there are appropriate emblems that can be chosen for headstones at VA cemeteries and you can absolutely have a Humanist clergy member (Chaplain or Celebrant) deliver the graveside service.

You can view the Emblems of Belief here. Their language here needs some work (maybe Worldview Emblems?), but diverse perspectives are represented.

Conclusion: Exist Loudly. Exit Thoughtfully.

Thank you for this opportunity to share my thoughts about this topic. As with any minority identity, the burden falls on the person to seek out inclusive providers, make a plan that mitigates negative experiences, understand options, and be prepared to defend rights and make a stand – even at one of the most difficult moments of our lives.

If you have any questions or would like to talk further about this, please reach out anytime. You can connect with me on LinkedIn or find me through OrlandoCelebrant.com.

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