Todd’s Story: a heartbreaking lesson in deathcare planning
Written 08/17/2025. Shared with permission from Todd’s loved ones.
A straight Atheist in a church at a Wiccan funeral for a gay stranger.
Yesterday i attended a truly beautiful ceremony in remembrance of Todd Hansen. I’m a pre-planner by profession and while i’ve helped Wiccans plan natural or green burials and earth-friendly cremation final resting place options, this was the first Wiccan funeral i’ve attended. It was a moving and inspirational celebration of Todd’s life journey and impact he had on those whose lives he touched. I’m so grateful for the invitation to be there.
A glimpse of Todd’s character revealed a friend i would have loved to have.
The eulogy was given by those in attendance, each sharing their connection with Todd and how they experienced him in their life. With unapologetic authenticity and bit of a grumpy flair, he exuded faith in those he loved and encouraged them to be better. He changed lives, uplifted others. His humor, kindness, and compassion were evident in every speech.
Todd’s friends and colleagues spoke of his profound impact. Some were overwhelmed with the trust he placed in them; one shared how Todd changed the trajectory of his life, career, and family through relentless encouragement; one shared how Todd’s mentorship saved their life. Todd’s colleagues who attended shared how in his work as a nurse he provided a calming presence when needed. One person shared that they came to the funeral because Todd stood with them at difficult moments, and they wanted be present to stand with Todd. Todd’s partner of three years moved us to laughter and tears as he shared stories and phrases that were so uniquely Todd. We were all invited to honor Todd’s legacy by embracing every moment, cherishing the time we have with those we love, and remembering that we are only on this journey of life briefly – be present; time is the most precious thing we have, and what we do with our time matters.
A heartbreaking injustice.
Injustice compounds stress at the most difficult time: this is why i was invited to this sacred space.
You’ve all heard me say it before: Every person, of every identity, deserves equal compassion and to be authentically honored in death. But that is not the experience for every person and their loved ones.
Todd was estranged from the person designated as his next of kin. By law, the next of kin is the person who handles final arrangements if the decedent hasn’t named a Deathcare Surrogate (or personal rep, or otherwise given authority for disposition decisions). Despite repeated efforts, Todd was not able to mend the rift that was based on a hatred of his identity as a gay man. This person handling Todd’s disposition did a mean thing. His loved ones shared with me that this NOK signed Todd’s ashes over to the county where they are impounded preceding burial in an unmarked, almost un-visitable placement area maintained by the county. Other members of the family and members of the friend group are trying to raise money for a lawyer to help them regain custody of Todd’s cremated remains so that they can honor him with a dignified, respectful, meaningful final resting place.
Donate to help with legal fees
Bring Todd’s ashes home.
Unfortunately, i’ve heard hundreds of stories like this, and each breaks my heart and stays with me through the work i do every day. People being turned away from funeral homes or being disrespected by funeral professionals or companies. Having challenges with unaccepting family members who act out of malice or impose their own religious or other values when they’re not authentic to the decedent and the decedent’s chosen family and friends. People being memorialized permanently in ways that dishonor the authentic life they lived – or denied any memorialization at all.
Take control of your legacy.
Todd did not have a will, Deathcare Surrogate, funeral / cremation preplan, or other planning. I was invited to the sacred space of the Celebration of Todd’s Journey to speak for a few moments about the importance of planning ahead for final arrangements so that those in the room could be empowered to avoid such a situation for themselves.
To ensure those you love will have the tools they need to honor your wishes, there are at least three professionals you need to work with: a lawyer, a financial advisor, and funeral, cremation, and cemetery professional. A lawyer can advise you which documents you need for your circumstances. For suggestions provided by a lawyer, see page 28 of the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives.
For my part as a funeral pre-planning professional, i see every day the impact having plans makes for all families. Diverse people who want their lives authentically honored should express their wishes through (1) pre-arranged funeral, cremation, and/or cemetery plans, (2) clearly laid out wishes, and (3) naming a Deathcare Surrogate.
Final Arrangements Planning: Doing the shopping & business of arranging for funeral, cremation, and cemetery plans in advance not only provides our voice to guide our loved ones; it also takes that burden off of the people we love. It’s not about being old or thinking about death – it’s about taking control of our legacy and protecting the people we love. If i could get everyone to do a plan in their 20’s, almost no one would walk through the doors of a funeral home without a plan in place – and every day, i see the difference it makes for people.
Written Wishes: Your contract with the funeral home and cemetery will take care of specifics, but there will be details that need to be addressed and that your loved ones will need when handling your arrangements. There are many documents out there, and you funeral home will likely provide you with one as well, to document your deathcare wishes. Those are important. You may also consider, if meaningful for you, the only resource specifically for LGBTQ+ people and those of diverse Religious, Secular, and Spiritual Identities (RSSI) – the Identity Affirming Deathcare Directives.
Deathcare Surrogate: While a notarized, witnessed document is essential, i’ve also seen situations where funeral directors may defer to the next of kin, regardless of paperwork. This is why having a trusted advocate is critical. By working with a lawyer you can ensure your loved ones have the tools and recourse needed to fight for your wishes if necessary.
I invite you…
One-on-One: If you’re here in Central Florida and would like to talk about pre-arranged casketed or natural burial, cremation, or final resting place options, please reach out to me. It can be a difficult conversation, but it is an important one. I am an affirming, diversity-educated, experienced safe-space professional. I’m honored to help people of all LGBTQ+ identities and religious, secular, and spiritual traditions.
Lunch & Learn: We’re planning a free, LGBTQ+-focused end-of-life planning educational lunch in Todd’s honor in the very near future. If you’d like to join us, please let me know & i’ll add you to the invitation list.
You can reach me at 407-608-9242 (call or text), by email, or through LinkedIn.
LINKS
Todd’s Obituary
Zebra Coalition
In honor of Todd, donations are invited to support the Zebra Coalition.
Pet Alliance
Honor Todd’s love for his cats and all animals with a donation to Pet Alliance.
To close i’d like to share a poem that the Priestess & Priest at Todd’s ceremony recited for us:
Hail the Traveler!
We commit you back from where you came—
to the arms of your ancestors.
May there be peace where there was anger.
May there be healing where there was hurt.
Go quickly to the place that your old ones called home.
For those who grieve for your passing, let there be healing.
For those who grieve for who you were, let there be healing.
For those who grieve for what you could have been, let there be healing.
Hail the Traveler. We celebrate your journey.
~ by Quetta Garrison-Madsen
